In September 2012, I was pregnant with our 4th child, and Josh and I were on a rare trip away from the kids to celebrate our 8 year anniversary. It was an amazing couple of nights at the beach. We also honeymooned at the beach so it was fitting to spend our anniversary there as well. We spent a lot of time just relaxing. Taking naps, walking along the shoreline, watching TV in the hotel room. And we didn't have to watch cartoons! It was glorious.
And yet aside from the relaxation and rejuvenation, there were also some deep conversations. About the little one I was carrying. About our future. About where God was calling us, and if we were going to answer that call. It was stuff we had glanced over before. Important stuff that we felt the weight of and we knew it couldn't be ignored, but we weren't quite ready to fully face it either. So we touched on it, ever so lightly and then flitted away before it got too messy. Too real. But we both felt the importance of these things were growing. The call was getting louder...
I've always felt so close to God while looking out at the ocean. I'm no closer to Him then, than I am at any other location, but there is just something about the ocean that speaks to my soul, that turns my eyes on Jesus and His worthiness to be praised. Maybe God speaks more loudly to me on the beach. Or maybe I just listen better. Walking in the sand, ocean breeze in our faces, the crashing waves and our heart beats blurred; we dove in head first to the big topics. The important stuff.
Our new baby. She would be born in a few months time. And she was a bit of a question mark. First of all, she surprised us. Previously, we had needed to go on medication for the treatment of my Poly Cystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS) in order to conceive and sustain a pregnancy. We had never achieved a pregnancy on our own. But not this time. This time we were surprised. And she surprised us again when a routine test, which I had turned down in previous pregnancies, showed that she had an "increased risk ratio for Down syndrome". This shocked us, and yet at the same time, it seemed right. It seemed like God had been preparing us for this for a long time and in so many ways. While we were nervous about the unknown (mostly in regards to the increased risk for heart defects in children with Down syndrome), we embraced the news. We were ready. Or as ready as we could have been at that stage in the game. And then as we had more ultrasounds we were told that her "risk ratio" was much lower. She likely would not have Down syndrome after all. Surprise again! Except they couldn't say for sure. The numbers were now showing she would likely have typical chromosomes, but she was still at a slightly increased risk compared to the general population. Question mark...
So here we were. Waiting on our little surprise, question mark baby to arrive and make herself known. And we loved her and accepted her either way. But then comes the other big, heavy, important, messy topic we needed to face. Adoption.
I hear you thinking, "Adoption? But you said you were currently pregnant with child number FOUR right? And that child may or may not be born with special needs? Are you crazy?" I'm sure many would think we were crazy to be seriously discussing adoption at this time. I mean it seems like really bad timing. But this wasn't our idea. We had to choose whether or not to say yes to the idea, but it wasn't ours. It was God's. Truth is, He had been nudging and whispering and yelling at us about adoption for a long time. First it was soft and quiet, you could barely hear it. But now it was loud. Unmistakeable. God had been speaking to us about adoption for years. But now he was using our little surprise baby to open our hearts to special needs adoption in a way that we never would have experienced without her. I told Josh that she was a special needs adoption advocate from within the womb!
And we knew, because of a friends recent adoption, that children born with special needs in other countries do not fare well. Our friends had adopted a precious boy with Down syndrome from Bulgaria. What we learned during their adoption process sank deep into our hearts. The child I was carrying would be loved and have everything she needed, even if she was born with an extra chromosome. But in Bulgaria, that would not be the case. The baby would be put in an orphanage, often at the insistence of the doctor, and he or she would suffer a miserable fate, unless someone chose to adopt them. And so God weaves the story. Adoption. Special needs. Bulgaria. GO.
And so we talked about what that would look like. How long after the baby was born would we start an adoption process? How long would the adoption take? What kind of special needs would we be open to? The answers we came up with weren't exactly what God had planned for us. His ways are better than our ways. Thank goodness! We weren't ready to start an adoption process yet when God showed us Levi. But when you see your son. You know. Your preconceived ideas of timeline and preferred special needs diagnosis, go out the window.
And you are once again faced with an ocean. It's immense. It's stormy. It's overwhelming. And God calls you out onto it. And you know you are inadequate. But you know that He is fully equipped! So you step out onto the water and keep your eyes on Jesus. Just keep your eyes on Him.
As we left the beach that day on our 8th anniversary, I jokingly said to Josh, "You never know, maybe for our 10th anniversary we will be in Bulgaria meeting the child we are going to adopt!"
2 years later as we prepare to fly to Eastern Europe next month to pick up our new son, I realize we will arrive home just a week prior to our 10 year anniversary. God is good. And mysterious. And wise. And trustworthy.
"Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders. Let me walk upon the waters. Wherever you would call me. Take me deeper than my feet would ever wander. And my faith will be made stronger, in the presence of my Savior!"
This has been my theme song for the last year. It encourages me every time I hear it.
Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)
Stay tuned. I hopped onto the computer to write a blog post about our t-shirt adoption fundraiser. But something else came out instead. So I will have to share the other blog after I catch a few hours of sleep. Goodnight.
